Love You Always

Baby #2,

In a few weeks, you would have been 3. It's hard to believe that almost 3 years have gone by since we lost you. I still wonder what you would have been like. If you would have been a boy or a girl. If you would have liked dinosaurs or princesses. If you would have had blue eyes or green. I know those things aren't that important, but as your mommy I still wonder. And dream.

What would life have been like with three little ones? How would you get along with your sisters? Would you have been best friends or would you fight every moment of every day? I'm constantly reminded of you when I think about the age gap between your sisters, who are 4 and 7 month right now. There should be an almost-three year old in there too. But I guess Jesus needed you more.

Little one, I am sure your days are marvelous and wonderful as you get to be in the presence of Jesus. But please know, down here on Earth, your mommy loves you and misses you each and every day. I look forward to meeting you one day.

Love,
Mommy

P.S.- Happy 3rd Birthday, my angel.

"My God Has Answered"- The Story of Elliana Grace

Elliana Grace Carrigan

12-15-2013

4lbs 11oz, 18in

"For you created my inmost being;
    you knit me together in my mother’s womb.

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
    your works are wonderful,
    I know that full well."

Psalm 139: 13-14

Most already know our story, but I will do a quick recap for those who don't. Matt and I married July 12th, 2008 and in March 2009, we were surprised to find out we were expecting our first little bundle of joy. November 26th, 2009 Madelyn Joy joined our family via c-section after a seemingly easy pregnancy. A year later, we were elated when we learned that we were expecting baby #2, only to have our hopes shattered due to a miscarriage. 

The next 2.5 years were accompanied by month after month of disappointment in our struggle to conceive again. Finally, in March 2013, my doctor decided it was time to do a laprascopic surgery to clear out endometriosis and insert dye into my fallopian tubes to see if there were any blockages.

Following my surgery, Matt began to have medical issues and with my inability to get pregnant thus far, we decided it was time to call it quits and just accept the fact that we were going to be a family of three. After tearfully agreeing to this on May 11th, 2013, on a whim I took a pregnancy test on May 13th. I distinctly remember telling God, "Lord, if it's your will, please let it be positive this time because I know when my husband resolves to do something (like not trying for more kids), he will follow through." Imagine my surprise when the test read positive! Matt was even more blown away than me.

After receiving a positive result, I immediately switched from my current doctor to Dr. Christopher Stroud at Parkview OBGYN. I had been following him for a while and was aware that he had a different approach to the care he offers his patients. Of notable mention is the fact that he practices the Creighton Fertility Method and is a believer...more on that later.

A quick phone call to his office landed me with an appointment for blood work that same day and he immediately began me on a progesterone supplement while we waited for the lab results. A week later, I had my first appointment and discovered that my progesterone levels were indeed low and I would need to take progesterone injections twice weekly and a progesterone supplement daily for the rest of my pregnancy. However, I was just thrilled to be pregnant again, so this seemed like a small price to pay for the end result.

As the first trimester carried on, I began to have severe nausea, struggled with gaining weight, and had spotting off and on for about the first 15 weeks. At one point, around 10 weeks, I experienced heavy bleeding and ended up in the ER and was told that I had a subchorionic hemorrhage and it appeared my placenta was lying low. They wished us the best but told us to prepare for the worst. 

At my 19 week ultrasound, it was confirmed that, while the baby looked healthy, I did, indeed, have complete placenta previa. For those who don't know what placenta previa is, it simply means that the placenta attached itself over the cervix rather than the uterine wall. With previa, a c-section is required at 36 weeks as it is extremely dangerous if the mother would go into labor herself. If this were to happen, the placenta could detach itself, thus cutting off the baby's oxygen supply and could cause the mother to have a "big bleed," potentially resulting in a blood transfusion. 

Dr. Stroud went over all the risk factors and laid out the game plan. Instead of delivering our baby around January 18th, 2014 (the original due date) a c-section was scheduled for December 21st, at 36 weeks. In addition, at 28 weeks, I was to receive two doses of steroids to help boost the baby's lung development to prepare for early delivery. We were also warned that I could end up in the hospital on bed rest at any point in the pregnancy, as this is fairly common for previa patients. 

As my pregnancy progressed, I didn't have any complications and Dr. Stroud regularly told me that I was a rare previa patient as the second trimester seemed to be a breeze as did the first part of the third trimester. However, as 34 weeks rolled around, I was beginning to feel more and more uncomfortable and was having a lot of pain and pressure around the pelvic area. 

Finally on December 10th, I awoke around 4am to heavy bleeding. We quickly called our neighbors to see if they could watch Maddie and set off to the hospital. I was admitted for observation for 2 days and was finally released two days later as the bleeding had subsided, but I was told that I was to be on partial bed rest while at home. I could be up and around but wasn't allowed to do much. 

By the evening of December 14th, which just happened to be the same day we received a decent snowfall and the roads weren't the greatest, I was having extreme pressure again and just felt sick. However, since I wasn't bleeding, I simply went to bed hoping to sleep it off. Once again, I awoke around 4am  on December 15th to more bleeding and after another phone call to Dr. Stroud, we were off to the hospital again. (Thanks again, Nichter family for watching Maddie!)

Once we were at the hospital, they hooked up a fetal heart rate monitor as well as a contraction monitor and quickly discovered that I was, in fact, contracting. As with Maddie, I wasn't feeling them. As the morning wore on, the bleeding picked up and I began passing large clots. Upon telling the nurse this, her response was, "Honey, we don't consider them large or concerning unless they are the size of a baseball." It didn't take long before I met their standards and they quickly decided to get my c-section underway. 

Dr. Stroud stopped by around 10:45am to check on me, sign the orders for the c-section, and to tell me he would be back around 12:30 to begin my c-section. As he headed off to church, the nurses began pumping me full of 2 bags of saline, as is protocol for the type of procedure I was having. Once the IV was done, Dr. Stroud returned and the c-section begun. 

It was quite humorous because, unlike with Maddie, I actually walked myself, along with my IV pole, back to the operating room and I was fully aware of what was coming. The anesthesiologist began prepping me and after one failed attempt to get the needle in for my spinal block, she was finally successful at attempt #2. I was quite thankful for this because they said if the spinal block was unsuccessful, they would have put me under this time. I am definitely thankful it didn't come to that!

The c-section went well and I am so thankful to have been under Dr. Stroud's care. The nurses were great and the anesthesiologist was phenomenal at talking me through the entire procedure, calming me down when I started to panic due to the intense pressure I was feeling during the c-section, and keeping us updated on the baby's status. When Dr. Stroud pulled Elliana out, the anesthesiologist squealed with delight that Big Sister was going to be happy, indicating that it was a girl. As I lay there watching the NICU staff surround my newborn daughter and begin observing, monitoring, and caring for her, I couldn't hold back the tears of joy. 

Ellie came out screaming, which seemed like a good sign, but we quickly knew something was wrong as the crying faded and the NICU staff began scurrying around. After asking what was going on, we were informed she had wet lungs (not uncommon for c-section babies) and that she needed to be taken to the NICU to be put on oxygen. They brought Ellie over to me before taking her away, and I got to see her beautiful face for a few seconds before being separated from her.

After spending some time in the recovery room, they eventually wheeled me, bed and all, up to Ellie's room so I could see her. There she was, laying there asleep with tubes and wires all over. We were told that Dr. Miller (her doctor while in the NICU) would be down to my room later to give us a detailed report. Upon talking to him, we learned she was struggling with maintaining her oxygen levels and that she also appeared to have sleep apnea. We were reassured that both of these things were normal for premature babies and were told that she was expected to make a full recovery. I will never forget, though, that as Dr. Miller was sitting in my room talking to us, he received a page indicating that they had a baby with no heart beat and they needed him to come notify the parents. I couldn't help but tear up for that little baby and it's family, thankful on the one hand that our little Elliana was doing OK and heartbroken for the family Dr. Miller was off to talk to.

Overall, Elliana spent 11 days in the NICU. Those were some of the longest, hardest days I've ever experienced. It was hard to leave our little girl there once I was discharged and Matt began staying the nights with her while I stayed home with Maddie and focused on trying to recover myself. We spent every day in her room, assisting with the feedings, holding her, praying over her, and letting her know we loved her. She seemed to be progressing slowly until about day 9 when it seemed like all of a sudden, a switch flipped and she began to turn around quickly. We were surprised, excited, and scared when they told us on Christmas day that we would be able to bring her home on December 26th. (As a side note, I am so thankful for the NICU staff, and especially the nurses who cared for her.)

She's been home for 5 days now and we are just loving our time with her. While we are still nervous having her home due to the apnea issue, we know that God is looking out for her, protecting her and giving her strength each and every day. Throughout her entire life thus far, from conception to birth, God has faithfully answered all of our prayers concerning her. He sustained my pregnancy when it seemed hopeless, He got me to 35 weeks, which is considered great for previa patients, and He healed and strengthened Ellie so she could come home before the New Year, potentially saving us thousands of dollars. 

That is what I love about her name. Elliana means "my God has answered" and I believe it is a testimony to the Great Maker and Physician that we know and love. It is only by His grace that He has answered and met every single concern and request we've laid before Him and I have no doubt that He will continue to do so for her and anyone else who calls on His name.

 

Picture Perfect or Christ-Centered?

(10-16-2013)

Enough is enough. While the purpose of my blog is to share the many things I am thankful for and the numerous ways God has blessed me and my family, today I feel I need to share my heart on a matter that seems to have plagued us wives and moms.

What matter am I referring to? Well, I refer to it as the "picture-perfect" matter. I think we all know what I am talking about. We've read blogs on everything from homeschooling to cooking to home births to raw foods. Most of these blogs are full of useful and practical information that wives or moms (or anyone really) can take and apply to their own lives and families. 

However, has anyone else seemed to have noticed the subtle condescending bandwagon that seems to surround them? Let me remind you. Oh, you work outside the home? Don't you feel guilty about that? You chose public (or private) schools over homeschooling? Why? What do you mean you gave birth at a hospital? Didn't you feel powerless by having to follow the doctor's rules and timelines? How could you feed your family fast food? Do you know what's in that?

Yes, I think you know what I'm talking about. Sigh.

For me, today was the final straw. I came across a blog post entitled "Good Mother's Don't Ask Questions ", in which the author talked about her concerns regarding doctors who tell pregnant women that pregnancy is too scary and that they will take care of everything for them. In other words,the author felt that doctor's tell pregnant women it's OK to be uneducated in their medical care while pregnant because they will take care of everything. (More on that in a moment.) 

While I was reading this post, I then came across a comment which said the following:

"I’m glad I had a home birth. Hospitals are for sick people. Not healthy pregnant women."

I cannot even begin to describe how angry this statement made me. For starters, it just comes across as ignorant. Don't get me wrong, I have a lot of respect and admiration for all the mothers out there who have had home births or birthed at a birthing center. But let's get one thing straight, not everyone is blessed with a "picture-perfect" pregnancy or birth. I do agree that no matter your situation, you should educate yourself and have an active part in your own care, however you should not be a puppet to a doctor, or anyone for that matter. 

However, after reflecting on this article and the comment or a while, it dawned on me that women today feel the need to be empowered and self-sufficient so much so that it has consumed us to the point where we strive to have a "picture-perfect" life at all cost. We surf Pinterest and pin idyllic crafts, recipes, and decorating tips. We follow countless blogs trying to gain more insight on how to do things more effective and efficiently. We join Facebook groups in hopes of gaining knowledge from others who are in the same situations in life as us. And, we compare. We compare everything from our cooking abilities to how we raise our kids to how we give birth to who keeps house the best. But why? Why do we feel the need to do everything on our own and to be the best at everything we do. (For clarification: we should do OUR best but we don't need to BE the best.)

The more I thought about all of this, the more I began to think about what Christ's picture of a wife and mother looks like. Good thing He left us a description! 

In Proverbs 31:10-31 (The Message), we read about The Wife of Noble Character:

A good woman is hard to find,
    and worth far more than diamonds.
Her husband trusts her without reserve,
    and never has reason to regret it.
Never spiteful, she treats him generously
    all her life long.
She shops around for the best yarns and cottons,
    and enjoys knitting and sewing.
She’s like a trading ship that sails to faraway places
    and brings back exotic surprises.
She’s up before dawn, preparing breakfast
    for her family and organizing her day.
She looks over a field and buys it,
    then, with money she’s put aside, plants a garden.
First thing in the morning, she dresses for work,
    rolls up her sleeves, eager to get started.
She senses the worth of her work,
    is in no hurry to call it quits for the day.
She’s skilled in the crafts of home and hearth,
    diligent in homemaking.
She’s quick to assist anyone in need,
    reaches out to help the poor.
She doesn’t worry about her family when it snows;
    their winter clothes are all mended and ready to wear.
She makes her own clothing,
    and dresses in colorful linens and silks.
Her husband is greatly respected
    when he deliberates with the city fathers.
She designs gowns and sells them,
    brings the sweaters she knits to the dress shops.
Her clothes are well-made and elegant,
    and she always faces tomorrow with a smile.
When she speaks she has something worthwhile to say,
    and she always says it kindly.
She keeps an eye on everyone in her household,
    and keeps them all busy and productive.
Her children respect and bless her;
    her husband joins in with words of praise:
“Many women have done wonderful things,
    but you’ve outclassed them all!”
Charm can mislead and beauty soon fades.
    The woman to be admired and praised
    is the woman who lives in the Fear-of-God.
Give her everything she deserves!
    Festoon her life with praises!

At first, this list seems daunting. But that's the thing! It's not meant to be a check-list for us to simply read through and complete in a day, week, or even month. It's a guide for us wives and moms on how to live a Christ-centered life that is pleasing to the Lord! 

Consider this, verse 30 tells us that, "...the woman to be admired and praised is the woman who lives in the Fear-of-God." This is not something that can be achieved overnight, but rather is something that takes a lifetime to learn and practice. 

For me, as I pondered how one goes about living a Christ-centered life and fulfilling all the things mentioned in Proverbs 31, I was reminded that the greatest commandment is to "‘love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind" and the second greatest commandment is to "love your neighbor as yourself" (Matthew 22:37-39 NIV.) From this passage we can gather that love is where it all begins. But how do we love? The answer to this can be found in 1 Corinthians 13: 3-7 (The Message): 

"...Love never gives up.
Love cares more for others than for self.
Love doesn’t want what it doesn’t have.
Love doesn’t strut,
Doesn’t have a swelled head,
Doesn’t force itself on others,
Isn’t always “me first,”
Doesn’t fly off the handle,
Doesn’t keep score of the sins of others,
Doesn’t revel when others grovel,
Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,
Puts up with anything,
Trusts God always,
Always looks for the best,
Never looks back,
But keeps going to the end."

What I hope to take away from all of this is that it doesn't matter what I am good at or how much I accomplish as long as I am doing it out of my love for God and my family. If I live each day with that purpose in mind, there should be no reason to compare myself to others or to strive for the "picture-perfect" life. Instead, I CHOOSE to live a Christ-centered life that is pleasing to the One who made me.

Baby C.- Part 2

(8-31-2013)

"For you created my inmost being;
    you knit me together in my mother’s womb.

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
    your works are wonderful,
    I know that full well."

-Psalm 139:13-14

This past Wednesday, we had our 19 week ultrasound and got to see Baby C. again! Maddie came with us and just loved it. She kept saying how beautiful the baby was and she seemed to be in awe...although she was a bit concerned that the ultrasound itself was hurting me. She was so precious the entire time.

***Disclaimer- "Medical" info below, read only if interested.

Toward the end of the ultrasound, I noticed that the tech was filling in some info on the screen that included "Placenta position- low" and "Previa- Complete." I had already been told early on that my placenta had implanted low, but that we would have to wait until I was further along to determine what that would mean for the pregnancy. Sometimes the placenta can "move" up as the uterus stretches, other times it doesn't.

Once the ultrasound was done, we met with Dr. Stroud, who then went over the difficult news that yes, in fact, I did have complete placenta previa. What does mean you ask? It means that my placenta implanted directly on my cervix, thus obstructing a natural delivery. Dr. Stroud then went on to explain that because of this, I will have a scheduled c-section no later than 36 weeks, but that often an "emergency" c-section is needed. He also explained that around 24-26 weeks, I will begin receiving steroid injections to help boost the baby's lungs to prepare for premature delivery.

As you can imagine, this is not the news that any expecting mom wants to hear. Following a previous c-section and laparoscopic surgery recovery, I was hoping for a VBAC, which would mean a shorter recovery period and the joy of delivery my own child. 

God has other plans, though.

On the one hand, it is easy to be frustrated and discouraged, yet I quickly was reminded that I had been praying that God would provide financially for this baby. We have already met all of our deductibles and out-of-pocket expenses this year, but due to the way pregnancies are billed, that wasn't going to matter because the baby's due date is January 18, 2014. That meant we would have had to meet the deductibles and maximum out-of-pocket expenses for next year all within the first month. Since this baby will be here by 36 weeks, it will be a 2013 baby and will fall under this year's medical expenses! In addition, we get another tax deduction. Who would complain about that?

While it is easy to think negatively, I am choosing to remain positive because I serve a God who loves me and my family and who already knows how this story will end. I am placing my trust in Him and will choose to honor Him throughout the rest of this pregnancy because it was a result of His grace and mercy we were blessed with this baby to begin with.

Baby C.- The Story

(8-2-2013) 

As most of you probably recall, my last post talked about how Matt and I were disappointed but trying to accept that we didn't think more children were in our future. Then, all of a sudden, last week we announced we were expecting Baby #2 (well technically #3 but we'll just say #2 to avoid confusion...) Many people have said, "What happened?!?!" Hopefully this post will answer that question!

The last post was a reflection of how difficult things had been since the middle of March for our family. Following all of Matt's health issues, we decided it would be best if we stopped trying for more kids and just accepted that maybe Maddie would be our only child. It was disheartening, but it just seemed like the right decision. That was May 11th.

May 12th was Mother's Day and I had a good time celebrating with my little family. Monday rolled around like every other and Maddie and I headed off to the store to pick up a few items while Matt was home working the day shift. Now, I will spare most of the details, but I will say this much. For the past two and a half years, I have avoided alcohol and any medication that I knew was "unsafe" for anyone who was pregnant unless I was "certain" it was "safe" to consume these things. Well, while Maddie and I were out shopping, I started to not feel the greatest and really wanted to take Ibuprofen (come on, we all know Tylenol does nothing for no one...just kidding...kind of.) Not wanting to wait until I knew it was safe, I picked up a pregnancy test and after returning home, promptly took it. I was fully expecting it to say "Not Pregnant" like it had for the past 24+ months and was prepared to grab that bottle of painkillers. Boy was I surprised when I picked it up and it said "Pregnant!" I think Matt was about as stunned as I was...but isn't that just how God works?

The last few months have been anything but smooth sailing, but through each and every hurdle we have faced in this pregnancy, God has seen us through. Today I had my 16 week appointment and baby seems to be doing well...strong heart beat and very active! 

Despite my anxiety regarding this pregnancy and some of the complications I have faced so far, I am constantly being reminded that God knit this child together and He can sustain it if He so chooses. I am so glad He is in control because things would be a mess if it were up to me!

As I reflect on all that has happened since May, the song "Beautiful Things" by Gungor comes to mind. Take a listen here. Below are the lyrics:

"Beautiful Things" -Gungor

"All this pain

I wonder if I’ll ever find my way

I wonder if my life could really change at all

All this earth

Could all that is lost ever be found

Could a garden come up from this ground at all

You make beautiful things

You make beautiful things out of the dust

You make beautiful things

You make beautiful things out of us

All around

Hope is springing up from this old ground

Out of chaos life is being found in You

You make beautiful things

You make beautiful things out of the dust

You make beautiful things

You make beautiful things out of us

You make beautiful things

You make beautiful things out of the dust

You make beautiful things

You make beautiful things out of us

You make me new, You are making me new

You make me new, You are making me new

You are making me new..."

I will wrap up this post by saying that Maddie is so excited to be a big sister. A friend recently gave us our car seat back and I found that Maddie was "practicing" with her baby Bella. And yes, those are dinosaurs. Maddie's life wouldn't be complete without them.

"Worn"

(5-11-2013)

"Come to me all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." -Matthew 11:28-30

Since the beginning of March, it seems like life has hit our family hard. March was my surgery and recovery. April was full of many trips back and forth to Rochester to visit my grandma, who's health began failing. May started off with my grandma's funeral followed by Matt facing several health issues that included a trip to the ER. We have faced family tension amidst all the stress, the normal challenges of raising a 3 year old, and the heartache of realizing that our dreams of adoption and another pregnancy are slipping away.  We have watched our bank account act like a revolving door due to the various health issues and the joys of home ownership. Dreams are fading. Goals are changing. Every day seems like a struggle to move forward.

Through it all, one song continuously runs through my head. It is called "Worn" by Tenth Avenue North (listen here.)The lyrics are as follows:

I’m Tired I’m worn
My heart is heavy
From the work it takes
To keep on breathing
I’ve made mistakes
I’ve let my hope fail
My soul feels crushed
By the weight of this world

And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart
That’s frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
Cause I’m worn

I know I need to lift my eyes up
But I'm too weak
Life just won’t let up
And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart
That’s frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
Cause I’m worn

My prayers are wearing thin
Yeah, I’m worn
Even before the day begins
Yeah, I’m worn
I’ve lost my will to fight
I’m worn
So, heaven come and flood my eyes

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart
That’s frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
Cause all that’s dead inside will be reborn

Though I’m worn
Yeah I’m worn

I love how raw and pure this song is. Too often I think we try to mask our feelings and pretend that we are OK. The truth, however, is that often we are not OK and we need to be able to confess that to our Father so He can carry our burden and give us the rest we need instead of trying to be martyrs who do it all ourselves. 

I love Matthew 11:28-30 because it assures us that if we let Him, He will be the rest and comfort we need. I am so thankful for that because I know if it was up to me, I wouldn't have had the strength to make it through all we've been through and have yet to face. Thank you, Lord, for carrying my burdens and giving me rest.

He Makes All Things New

(4-5-2013) 

"He makes springs pour water into ravines; 

it flows between mountains.

They give water to all the beasts of the field; 

the wild donkeys quench their thirst.

The birds of the sky nest by the waters; 

they sing among the branches.

He waters the mountains from his upper chambers; 

the land is satisfied by the fruit of his work.

He makes grass grow for the cattle, and plants for people to cultivate--

bringing forth food from the earth. 

wine that gladdens human hearts, 

oil to make their faces shine, 

and bread that sustains their hearts.

The trees of the LORD are well watered,

the cedars of Lebanon that he planted.

There the birds make their nests; 

 the stork has its home in the junipers. 

The high mountains belong to the wild goats; 

the crags are a refuge for the lynx."

-Psalm 104: 10-18

The last few years have been challenging on many levels, one of those being my faith. While I have never doubted that God exists, I have wrestled with the good vs. evil factor. Due to my health issues and infertility, I have been more attuned to these issues in other people. As a result, I have found myself asking how a God who is "supposed" to be loving would allow His children to suffer like this. I always come back to Matthew 7:9-11, which says, "Which of you, if your son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or, if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? If you, then, though you are evil know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!"

So, logically, I think to myself, "If people like me, who are His children, ask Him for something good, like a child or improved health, and He doesn't respond, then what does that truly say about Him?"

Well, sadly, it has taken me a lot of tears, anger, and bitterness to come to the realization that even if we ask for something we think is good, He may have something better in store OR He may have a very good reason for saying no or not now.

For me, I was hit with the reality square in the face upon having my laparoscopy last month. While I have known since I was a teenager that I have endometriosis,the doctor found something I wasn't expecting; due to scarring from my c-section with Maddie, my uterus had adhered to my abdominal wall. Whoa! Now, I haven't met with my doctor for my follow-up appointment yet so I can't say this for sure, but I can't imagine that would have been good for a pregnancy. So maybe or maybe not, but perhaps He wasn't answering our prayers for more kids because I needed to have this issue corrected. I don't know, but He does and I'm OK with that now.

So, what does this story have to do with the pictures and passage posted above? For starters, I LOVE spring. To me, it has always painted an image of regrowth, rebirth, and renewal. So, when I came across this passage, it made me think about two things. First, it made me think about how amazing it is that we can get food from something as small as a tiny seed, all because God designed it that way. Second, it made me realize that if God cares about His plants and animals enough that He supplies what they need in order to sustain them, how much more so would He do that for us.

In the end, I have come to realize how truly selfish I am. I never should have doubted or questioned God's faithfulness and I should always trust that He will care for me and my family. We may not get everything that we want but He will supply everything that we need. 

Maddie may be the only child we ever have, and I'm trying to learn to be OK with that. It's a day by day process of letting go, but I am trying to focus on appreciating the gift in her that we have rather than mourning the emptiness of something we might never get.